Hi Dr Ra…. I have been married for 20 yrs and we no longer seem to be stimulating each other.
Can you give us some suggestions on creating that spark again?
Trying to find that spark again
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Dear: Trying to find that spark:
Many couples lose the spark because they fail to commit to putting the time and energy into nurturing their relationship or marriage. Finding that spark again can begin with thinking about when you first met and what it was about each other that stimulated you. What was it about each other and/or what you did you do together that stimulated you to want to date each other and eventually marry. If it is just about stimulating each other some suggestions might be to:
- Really think about what you like about each other and find ways to stimulate that in each other (sometimes couples focus too much on what they do not like about each other).
- Think about what you really enjoy doing, put forth serious effort to do it and then make a commitment to make it a part of your lives.
- Get out your environment into a different environment. For example go to a hotel, spend the night at relative’s or friend’s house; travel to a new place if you can
- Explore and incorporate new, exciting and fun things in your lives—like joining a couples group, taking a class together, e.g. cooking, tantra; going on a spiritual healing retreat, etc. (Make sure it is something that you both enjoy doing)
Of course all of these suggestions include talking and listening attentively to each other. If it is the case that you are no longer stimulating each other because of things that did or did not happen over the course of your 20 year marriage, unmet expectations, unrealized dreams, etc. which created emotional distance (which is different from just needing a spark), then you may need to first focus on healing yourselves and the relationship. Once you do that you may be able to stimulate the energy that is needed to find that spark again.