Dr. Ra: I am still wanting someone from my youth and high school days. I am always regretting not being there for her and our dreams. I am finding myself hoping that somehow, some way that we find our love and relationship again before we leave earth. Both of us have married and moved forward personally. I love her so much and missed my opportunity to have a life with her. I can’t stop thinking about what should have been. What should I do? I have not told her how I feel these past years and days. Please help me. Your assistance and advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Still Wanting Someone from My Youth
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Dear: Still Wanting Someone from My Youth
It seems you are living in the past vs. living in the present focused on what could have been vs. what is. It also seems you are still grieving the loss of her and the lives you dreamed together, and have not gotten closure because you never got a chance to talk it out and/or work through your feelings. In addition, it seems you have not forgiven yourself. I want to suggest bringing closure by writing a letter saying everything you need to say and crying it out to release the energy attached to the feelings and then discarding the letter. However, this may be too risky, because you are married. Can you find a friend or confident to talk to? Or have you considered seeing a therapist–someone to talk it out with.
What can also help is to re-think how you are thinking about your lost love. Are you in love with her or a fantasy of her? Although who people are at the cores does not change much, because she is married and has grown, she might be different in a lot of ways than she was when you were in high school. The girl of your youth is now a married woman.
Constantly thinking about her may detract from the quality of your current marriage. Did you learn the lessons from that relationship and are you applying them to your marriage? Or are you fantasizing about your lost love as a distraction from issues in your marriage? If both you and the love of your youth have no intentions of leaving your marriages and reviving the relationship, then you should probably let her and the dream go, forgive yourself, and move on. Hopefully, you married the woman you are with for the right reasons. If you plan to continue the marriage, take wisdom from the song recorded by Billy Preston in the early 1970s—“If you can’t be with the one you love, then love the one you’re with,” focus your attention there, find happiness with her and do the best you can to build a great life together.